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Summer is Here and The Farting is Easy……..
I love the Summer. It is best time of year to really pass some gas. Here are some of my favorite places:
1) Shea Stadium. Yup, the home of the New York Mets. Get there early so you can take in some batting practice and load up on some beers, hot dogs, nachos…..whatever. By the third inning you will have the people sitting around you begging for mercy. Read more…
Jack (Doctor Fart) Kevorkian Released from Prison
Jack Kevorkian was relased from prison today after serving 8 years of his original sentence of 10 to 25 years. Kevorkian is most widely known for his willingness to assist the terminally ill to commit suicide.
The press release says Kevorkian was released early as a reward for his good behavior in prison. However, I didn’t buy that story so I called Mike Hunt, the warden at the Lakeland Correctional Facility to get the real scoop. Here is the unedited transcript of the phone call:
Secretary: Hello, Mr. Hunt’s office….may I help you?
Master Blaster: Yes, ma’am…good morning….my I speak to Mr. Hunt please regarding Jack Kevorkian’s early release from prison?
Secretary: Sir, he is not is not in his office, but I did see him pass by here a moment ago, if you will let me put the phone down I will find him for you…. [sound of phone hitting desk]
Master Blaster: Thank you, I will wait
Secretary: [muffled] Mike Hunt? Where is Mike Hunt? [louder] Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?
Mike Hunt: Mike Hunt speaking………
Master Blaster: Mr. Hunt, thanks for taking my call
Mike Hunt: What can I do for you today?
Master Blaster: I see that Jack Kevorkian is to be released from your prison early. The reason cited is “good behavior”. Given Dr. Kevorkian’s ornery and contrary nature, isn’t this a bit surprising?
Mike Hunt: Sure it is. That is just public relations nonsense. I pulled some strings to get this guy out of here early because we couldn’t stand having him around anymore. Not many people know this, but Kevorkian is the worst farter I have ever seen. He passes gas 50 to 60 times a day and each and every one stinks to high heaven. I got tired of hearing all the whining from his cellmates, the guards, and the German shepards we got patrolling the fence. I got tired of it too. Even though my office is a good 500 yards from his cell block, when the wind blew in from the north it would stink up my place too. I lost my last two secretaries over it.
Master Blaster: Thank you, Mr. Hunt. You were very helpful.
Who Farted? Some Disturbing Statistics……
Have you ever noticed that when a foul odor suddenly appears it virtually certain that someone in the “hot zone” will ask, “Who farted?”. I never quite understood understood the point of that question. Does the questioner expect an arrest warrant to be issued on the spot? Would he have you believe that his own emissions are as clean and pure as Rocky Mountain spring water?
This got me to thinking about how to compute the probability of being exposed to a methane cloud. The results are quite disturbing…..
Assume that the average person passes gas 40 times in a 24 hour period and that these eruptions are evenly distributed.
Now, let’s assume that you are a cubical rat working for some big company. You are summoned to a typical waste of time meeting in a conference room. There are 9 other people in attendance (the jerk who called the meeting, his right hand man, his secretary, and six cube dwellers including yourself). The meeting drags on for what seems like forever but is really 30 minutes of wasted time. So, what are the chances that NOBODY will fart during this meeting?
Hmmmm…. if all high school math problems were this interesting then the USA would not be scoring behind Latvia in standardized test scores.
If the average person farts 40 times per day, then there is a 2.7% chance of an eruption per minute. Said another way, there is a 97.3% chance that a single person will NOT fart in a minute. However, let 30 minutes go by and the chance drops to slightly less than an even money proposition (.973 multiplied by itself 30 times is about equal to 43%.) This means if you attend 100 such meetings that you should expect to fart at least once in 43 of them.
Now, using the same logic…. if there are 10 people in attendace then the chances of no farts being cut by anyone are miniscule ( about one in 5,000 ). Said another way, you have a better shot of getting a hummer from your wife.
Rosie O’Donnell’s Butt: Global Warming Hazard?
Former Vice Presdient Al Gore has created a new career as a global warming scare monger. It beats working for a living I suppose. He was recently quoted as saying, “Although I often agree with Rosie O’Donnell on a whole host of other issues, it is my duty to proclaim that her flatulence is a threat to our planet. She pumps out as much methane and other global warming gases as 5,000 head of cattle or two coal fired power plants.”
Other observers questioned the former Vice President’s motives. Reached at a oxycontin dry out tank, radio blowhard Rush Limbaugh had this to say,”My friends….as I have been telling you all along, Al Gore is picking on Rosie O’Donnell in the hopes of claiming “carbon credit offsets” for himself, so he can go on consuming lots of power to cool his Tennessee mansion all the while asking you to sweat in the dark.”
Yet another point of view was offered by Dr. Isadore P. Daily, who occupies the Ted Kennedy chair for Ethics in Government at Harvard University. He said, “With all due respect to the former Vice President and Mr. Limbaugh, both are missing the point. If we hooked up Rosie’s terd cutter to a wind turbine that then funneled the gases downwind as fuel for an electric plant, she alone could generate enough power to provide for all of the electrical needs of a town about the size of Peoria, IL. With have the technology, the question is simply one of political will”.
The Acoustics of Farting
Have you ever wondered what accounts for the wide variety of fart sounds? Well, I have (no big surprise there).
To the trained ear each fart is unique…..a thing of beauty unto itself….much like examining snowflakes. Sure, anal utterances can be broken down into such categories as “sonic boom”, “rolling thunder”, “rusty gate hinge” and so forth but don’t be too quick to do this…lest you dull your analytical skills.
Rather, I suggest the next time you hear a sphincter symphony take a few minutes to try to figure out what caused the unique sound you just heard. You may even want to keep a journal, sort of like the wine snobs do. One of those little “Jimmy Olsen” spiral bound notebooks hardly takes up any room and you should get in the habit of carrying one around.
Here are just a few of the things I have noticed:
Clothing acts as a muffler. The type of fabric, weight of the clothing, how loose or tight the pants are, the presence and type of underwear, etc. are all contributing factors. Be especially careful when analyzing female emissions. Thong style underwear can act much like a reed in a clarinet. If you are really lucky you will catch an example of a single fart with a wider octave range than Maria Carey. Remember that notebook I told you to carry….it is for “Hallmark moments” such as this.
A fart in a New York City subway station will echo all over the place and could easily be mistaken for a much longer fart (or a Mafia hit). The same fart in a wheat field in Kansas would be unremarkable.
A frat boy is likely to let loose with the intentions of vibrating the fillings in your teeth. A prim and proper spinster librarian wants to keep hers as hidden as the Coke formula. Muscle tension, state of physical conditioning and other factors come into play here.
We will revisit this important topic from time to time. Waaaaay to much to cover in one post.
Boris Yeltsin - Mourning the Death of a Fart Hero.
I have it on good authority that Boris Yeltsin was a fan of the farts. Apparently when he was the Soviet leader he could outfart anyone in the Kremlin. He’d spend most of his days feasting on bratwurst and cheese just to keep his guts churning over. If he went a day without farting at least one hundred times he’d order his army to destroy a small village.
Yeltsin’s anal emissions were largely responsible for creating a massive hole in the O-Zone layer over Moscow. Local environmentalists were delighted when he lost the presidency. However their joy was shortlived when it became apparent that Yeltsin’s farting escalated immensely after he retired. He’d spend all day lounging around in his underwear, downing quarts of vodka whilst nibbling away at his cheeseboard. He couldn’t keep a pet for more than a week before it either died or ran away. Lighting a cigarette in his prescence was suicide. Such an act was liable to trigger a 100ft fireball along with a mushroom cloud at the end.
We need Boris more than ever today in this politically unstable climate. Instead of launching a nuke, Russia could have solved diplomatic problems by sending over Boris to fart in their enemies face. If they’d employed these tactics in the late 20th Century the Cold War would never have happened. They could have cloned about 1,500 Boris’s, shipped them over to the White House launching a fart farting offensive against the Reagan administration. Diplomatic relations between America and the USSR would have improved. If you saw Yeltsin sitting and farting on Ronald Reagan’s head what else could you do but laugh?
Some people don’t seem to realise that farts transcend all political borders. A well timed fart is often the difference between world peace and world war. Boris knew the power of the fart. If our leaders posessed any insight at all they would have rewarded the man the Nobel Peace Prize for his farting. Mr Methane must take up his role as Farting Ambassador to ensure that the next World War is fought with ass gas alone.
The world is a much more dangerous place without Boris here. I’ve heard news that the vodka industry is about to collapse in Russia and that German bratwurst exports are down over 150%. The O-Zone hole over Russia is beginning to fix itself now too and there hasn’t been a mushroom cloud over the country in days. God knows how much the man was worth to the natural gas industry over there too!
Tonight whilst on the toilet I said a prayer to God thanking Him for Boris. I suggest you do the same too. You should also dedicate your next spicy fart to Boris. He will surely bestow you with the gift of more wind.
What Farters Search For On The Internet
This post is inspired by the What Do People Search For On The Web article over on Farts R Fun which lists what people search for in Google to find their website.
Instead of listing the most popular phrases, I’ll concentrate on some of the most weird search terms. Be warned some of these are extremely baffling!
good fart in tight jeans
Hmm it seems someone has a weird Levi’s fetish.
fart noises but make sure it is funny
Ok Adolf, I’ll try my best! Sheesh!
flatulence in the bible
Hmmm the 11th Commandment “Thou shalt not pass gas!”
girl loses bet and has to sniff other girls farts
Dear God, the things people will do for a bet!
grandma farts in a bag
If your Grandma farts in a bag I’d seriously suggest that you lock the old girl up!
term for getting turned on by the sound and smell of farts
Ermmmm……weirdo?
where to get help for farting problems
Well done! Admitting that you have a problem is the first step towards getting help! Try attending a local Farters Anonymous meeting, their number will be in the White Pages somewhere.
girl farts that are long and loud on you tube
Feck, could you please be more specific?!?
what to do when you poop your pants
The last thing I’d recommend is for you to sit there and type that phrase into Google. Get into the bathroom and wash your ass for goodness sake.
how to eliminate growling stomach sounds?
Hmmm, stop drinking so much antifreeze!
make your friend pull his underpants down
You can’t really make anyone pull their underpants down against their will, that constitutes sexual harassment methinks.
Fart Clips - 10 of the Best Farts In the Fart-O-Sphere
Mr Methane - Promp.no
“Get on the end of this!” quips Mr Methane before letting off a serious rattler. I’ve never heard the like of this before. I thought it was staged to begin with. He must have been boiling up that bad boy for weeks! My only complaint is about how close his ass is to the camera. I really don’t want to see his butt shake like that, it conjures up extremely vile thoughts.
Larry King Farts Live On Air
Ok, the farts not the greatest, but the timing is immense! It’s amazing how King keeps a straight face during the broadcast. I would have had to stop, put my leg up on the desk following it up with a real badboy.
Damien Farts and Downs the Brown
You’ve got to commend this guy’s bravery. He puts 115% into every one of his farts which even results in him downing the brown at the end. It’s sad to see him waddle off at the end knowing full well that he will have to undertake a serious cleanup operation afterwards. Overall the brown-downing was a small sacrifice for some seriously noteworthy farts.
Farting on Someone’s Head Whilst Sleeping
This one certainly isn’t for the squeamish. Here a guy whips out his bare ass, positions it directly above his sleeping friends head and goes for the clampdown before releasing a mighty fart. The victim is lucky to escape with his lungs intact. Similarly the farter is fortunate that he didn’t committ the act in Scanadanavia where the penalty for aggressive face farting involves being thrown into a fjord ball naked.
Another violent face-fart
Unfortunately this one isn’t anywhere near as good as the one directly above it. The farter should have been much more ambitious, aiming to wake up the sleeper without the aid of a slap from the other guy. The “What the fuck was that?” from the victim was quite hilarious though, even though the fart was decidely mediocre.
A crispy live Fart
By the sounds of this fart, the woman hadn’t farted in 30 years. She looks like the sort who’d be the first to call a farter “immature” for instigating anal voicings. I don’t think she’ll be turning so fast in the future! She seems to be so embarassed. In situations like this you have to relish the wind and claim it as your own. Otherwise you’ll look like quite the fool.
Leslie Nielsen on British TV
There aren’t many men who are more fond of farting than Leslie Nielsen. You can tell he’s planned this one for ages. It’s great how the show’s presenters are more embarassed of the fart than him. It’s definitely the mark of a seasoned pro.
I totally just farted
Ok this video is pretty damn annoying. I mean talk about stating the obvious! It was an impressive fart but she completely ruined it with her “I totally just farted” routine. It’s like Michael Moore coming out and saying “Yes for the last 12 years I’ve ate nothing but Big Macs and Chilli Dogs.” It doesn’t need to be mentioned, sheesh.
This whiff is for you
This girl demonstrates a great way to end a relationship prematurely. I personally think she could have held in the fart in her hands that little bit longer before slamming it into his face. The only problem is she might have broke his nose or something.
Mr Methane and Promp.no (again!)
And it’s another mega-fart from Methane! Well what can I say? It’s marvellous! It pretty much sums up George W Bush’s tenure as president in that it just keeps going down and down.
Farting Techniques - What I’ve Found to Be Effective For Farts In The Past.
As a farter who can’t stand the sight of beans, it’s important to have other techniques up your sleeve that you can use to produce large volumes of gas. Here are a few that I’ve found to be pretty effective over the years.
Chewing Gum
Chewing Gum is brilliant for causing excess gas, especially if you eat whole packets of it at a time. It seems as though all of the excess air that you ingest along with the chemicals play havoc with your stomach. Be careful though as eating too much gum will make you liable to downing the brown.
Cheese, cheese and more cheese
I can’t get enough Cheese. Edam, cheddar, gouda, you name it, I eat it on a regular basis. I don’t eat it to fart, I eat it because I love it! It really does give a creamy edge to your farts. The only negative aspect to creamy farts is that other professional farters will be able to detect the exact type of cheese you ate to produce that fart and they might steal your recipe to improve their own farts. It’s a risk worth taking though.
Drink Diet Sodas Fast
Try drinking 10 cans of Diet Coke directly after you’ve finished chewing gum. If your stomach wasn’t already in tatters after all of the gum it will be now. By the way you shouldn’t try this at home, or anywhere for that matter!
Caffeine Tablets
I used to be a pep pill junkie and I still am to some extent. One day I went against doctors orders and downed 24 of them at once. Boy, did I regret it! I was coming home on the train after I’d taken them and I could feel my bowels churner. I had to focus all of my energy on preventing my bowels from exploding. The lady sitting opposite recognised something was wrong. I must have looked like Elvis straining to take his final crap on the toilet. It wasn’t pleasant at all. Thankfully, my colon didn’t erupt and I made it to the toilet on time.
If you take Caffeine Tablets then follow the advice that’s written on the package.
Eat Nothing For Ages
When I skip a few meals my stomach begins to growl and pockets of air form. If you leave it long enough huge quantities of rectal gas will be at your disposal. As you’ve probably guessed this isn’t healthy or recommended.
Anxiety
Whenever I’m anxious, I fart. It’s weird. It always happens before job interviews. My bowels start to clench and I just wanna fart until all of the tension’s gone. It’s hard to replicate this feeling in a normal setting. Sometimes I try to envisage what Hell would be like and that can seriously get the wind brewing.
How To Inform A Friend That They’ve Farted Badly
Sometimes people are totally unaware that they’ve just farted! Bystanders may be collapsing like bowling pins and the fire service may be on route, but still they are oblivious to their anal emissions. So what’s the best way to inform someone that they’ve farted? Should you go all out and shout “You foul bufoon! How dare you fareth in my presence?” or should you carry it out a little more subtly with something like “Derek, we need to talk about your ass!”?.
It’s a toughie. Here are a few things to take into consideration when you encounter a “friendly fart”.
- Whatever you do don’t ask someone if they’ve farted unless you’re sure there’s been a rumble, they might just have bad B.O.
- A powerful way of letting someone know that they’ve broken wind is to run away as far as possible, encouraging as many people in the surrounding area to do the same. If the farter is confused, point to their ass and scream “Sniff it!”.
- If you’re both on a sofa when the other person rumbles, inform them that you felt the vibration and that you’re gonna sit it out in the garage for the next couple of hours until the smell disappears.
- No matter how bad the fart smell at first, do not ring the emergency services unless someone lapses into a coma.
- If you’re tired of your friend farting constantly in public you could always try to shame them publically. First, ensure you’re within a crowd of strangers and then shout and point at the culprit “She won’t stop farting! Every night, it’s just fart, fart, fart! She never does anything new. She revolts me! Someone please take her away”. If you’re fortunate enough the bailiffs will arrive on scene and escort your friend off to jail.
- If the fart is especially bad but you can’t be assed trying to escape it, pretend to faint and when the paramedics arrive on scene tell them that “Her ass caused it all! It’s as if she farts chloroform!”.
- Court summons are an effective albeit expensive way to let someone know that their farts aren’t within the realms of decency.
- If you are a pervert you might want to tap the person on the ass. This never really works well as most people will think you are coming onto them and you’re liable to be either beaten to a pulp or to have a sexual harassment lawsuit on your hands.
Is Farting Destroying Your Family? Excessive Flatuence Can Kill A Relationship at Easter.
So it’s Easter again and it should be a time when we all get together as families and enjoy good food in good company. Well that’s the theory anyway. I’ve been eating so much over the past few days and I feel as if my bowels are about to erupt. It’s weird. I haven’t farted properly in a few days. I know something bad will happen at dinner later on. This has got to be the calm before the storm. I can just tell that Grandma will walk in and I’ll let off a massive one and she’ll end up swallowing her dentures and we’ll have to rush her off to hospital.
As I’m typing this I’m eating more chocolate! For some reason I have ten Easter Eggs this year. I don’t really like chocolate that much to be honest but if it’s there I’ll eat it eventually. I’m trying to get all of my farts out now but nothing’s moving in my colon. It seems to be all clogged up or something. I feel like shoving a toilet bowel plunger up my cass just to ease the congestion. If I could even take a crap it’d help things. I spent about an hour on the toilet last night trying to squeeze one and after 40 minutes a small brown marble rolled out of my behind. I was expecting to crap a huge bag of lobsters for goodness sake.
I know the Grandma thing will happen though, or at least something similar. I’m never prepared for it! Grandma will storm in with a full beard and my bowels will suddenly loosen and a freefall of dung will exit out of my rectum along with a torrent of gas. Horrified by the eruption, Grandma will either collapse or swallow her teeth or maybe even both. You’d think I’d learn my lesson wouldn’t you? Last year I tried drinking a bottle of laxatives a few hours before she arrived. I thought they’d work immediately but it took them as least 3 hours to kick in and by that time she’d arrived. The amount of farts I produced on that day was shocking. I mean the average human is meant to fart 14 times a day. I think I let out 14 farts in 10 seconds. Not just any farts but seriously pained, diseased outbursts. I guess they almost sounded tortured.
God, I’m thinking of running away just to avoid all of this. Maybe I could just eat my dinner in the yard. My parents would think that I was being tremendously rude but it’s a small sacrifice to keep Grandma alive. I don’t know how many more of my caustic farts she can take before her heart gives up on her. I’m surprised the old girl has actually lasted this long. I just hope this isn’t the year that I kill her.
Farting Victims - People I Would Love To Fart Upon
I’m generally a decent man, I try to keep myself to myself and wouldn’t raise my fist to anyone. With my ass it’s a completely different matter altogether. There are many people I’d like to fart upon. Here is just a sample..
- Fred Phelps - Someone needs to fart on this man immediately to cure him of all of this God Hates Gays rhetoric. I think a well executed rumble would do him wonders, either that or it would kill the old……fart. Of course trying to sit on him would be next to impossible as he is literally terrified of the anus. He sees it as the work of the devil apparently. I don’t really understand his line of thought, we all need assholes after all. Duh!
- Tony Blair - I can’t stand this man. He just seems to be constantly defending himself weakly from verbal attacks. He needs to get a backbone. I think if I were to let off a bone-chilling fart at him he’d be shocked into silence, forcing him to contemplate the errors of his ways.
- Justin Timberlake - He really bores the ass of me and his music sucks. I’d love to blind him with my wind. I think if I was to eat enough vindaloo I’d be able to damage his retinas sufficiently. It probably wouldn’t stop him from singing though.
- Adolf Hitler - More people should have farted on this waster whilst he was still alive. It’s a pity there weren’t more militant flatulist’s during the World War, they could have seriously taken the wind out of the Nazi’s sails.
- Michael Schumacher - This guy is just too smug. He needs to be taught the ways of an ill ass. I’d love to gorge for months on expired Indian food in preparation for the fart to end all farts. It’d be fantastic just to watch his smile gradually disappear as he realises the extent of my wind. It’d be like breaking the news to an elderly relative that you can no longer offend to board them and that they must go to a retirement home.
- Britney Spears - On second thoughts it’d be pretty cruel to fart on Britney as she seems to be having a pretty tough time of late. I’ve got this feeling too that my farts would make even more of her hair fall out.
- Jay Leno - It would be hard to sit on Jay’s head as his chin would most likely puncture my ass. I could fart at him from a great distance, providing my wind was potent enough.
- Kurt Cobain - Whilst Nirvana (and Kurt Cobain’s head) were still intact I used to send them hate mail along with samples of my own farts. It’s rumoured that my anal emissions were responsible for Kurt’s mental illness. Although being married to Courtney wouldn’t have helped.
- Every Televangelist Who Has Ever Existed - These guys are seriously deluded. I’d love to fart on them just so that they could taste reality for once. I bet I could instantly turn Billy Graham into an Atheist with one fine toot from my ass. I could turn Richard Dawkins into an Islamic Fundementalist if I was given enough chilli to eat too. My ass can work miracles y’see.
Eating Poop - Constant and Obsessive Farting Can Lead You To This!
You may think that farting is an innocent pastime with no conceivable dangers. Well you’re wrong! It’s possible to become so obsessed with your own farts that sooner or later you’ll want to sample the real deal. One day you might just be admiring your own farts and then suddently you’ll be squatting over a plate, ready to deal the main course out of your bottom. You may be at serious risk! Here are some tell-tale signs that most potential poop eaters exhibit.
- After farting, do you ring up your neighbours and begin describing the smell of your farts in explicit detail? Have you ever considered what other foods would compliment your farts smell or taste? Have you even went as far as to order this food online?
- Do you stare for long periods into the toilet bowl after going to the toilet for no apparent reason?
- Have you ever found yourself glaring into the bowl in the middle of the night, not remembering how you got there?
- Do you only ever talk to your partner to inform them of the exquisite taste of one of your farts? Do you become enraged when they don’t appreciate your offerings?
- Have you ever tried to bottle one of your farts? Would you consider taking the bottle out with you on a blind date, with the purpose of inhaling some of the gas to calm your nerves?
- After farting whilst eating, has your food ever started to taste identical to your fart? Where you undeterred by this? Did you even enjoy it slightly?
- Have you ever intentionally farted on your own hand just so that you could sample it at a later date?
- Have you ever tried to fart into a microwave oven?
- Did you select your last partner by the taste of his or her farts?
- Have you ever dreamt of biting your own ass?
- Do you maintain a fart journal which documents your farting on a daily basis?
Poop Your Pants Whilst Farting?
Everyone will down the brown sooner or later, it’s an inevitable catastrophe in any farters career. Here are some of the best ways to dispose of your dirty undies after the calamity.
- Mail them to an old enemy and address them from one of your school teachers. Be aware that Karma exists and you might just get your own pair of dirty pants in the post soon!
- You could always try to burn your underpants in desperation. If the crap goes up in flames and you’ve been eating garbage all week the smoke might become a bit too toxic. It’s best to carry this out in a well ventilated area.
- Pay a friend to take your undies to the cleaners, pretending that they belong to him or her.
- Never try to wash them in a sink as you’ll end up getting the crap all over your hands and the bathroom.
- If you are lazy you might want to just throw them out the window. This is extremely unhygenic and it’s likely to reflect badly on you if grandma finds them, especially if she contracts a nasty virus from your poisonous soil.
- You could just keep on wearing them and if people ask you what the smell is, just tell them that you are in mating season and begin making pelvic thrusts at anything that moves to prove your point.
- Blame the shat on one of your siblings, tell your parents that your brother or sister must have came into your room in the middle of the night and deliberately stole your underpants. They then took a crap in them just to make you look bad.
- Tell everyone that you’re now part of a religion which encourages it’s believers to regularly soil their underpants. If no one believes you, burst into tears and warn them that they are liable to go hell if they don’t change their unbelieving ways!
- This might seem a bit extreme but by becoming a nudist you eliminate the possibility of ever soiling any of your garments. Although it’s still possible that you might soil your carpet or bedsheets!
- Lie and claim that it’s not poop in your pants but chocolate. If anyone asks why you have chocolate smeared all over you ass, remind them that you’ve always been a messy eater.
- If you’re feeling adventurous you could always try the Rambo. This involves whipping off your underpants and tying them around your head like a bandana. You could then start rolling about the room pretending that you are fighting invisible enemies just to prove your point.
Beer Farts - Overindulging on Lager Can Cause Serious Anal Gales
I’m tired of waking up after a night on the beer, blasting my ass off like there is no tomorrow. It can be a serious problem! There have been times where I’ve been in bed trying to sleep off a hangover and my parents have been downstairs in the kitchen and the farts start to get to them. They’ll be sitting there trying to enjoy a cup of tea on a sunny Sunday morning and my farts won’t stop echoing through the floorboards.
We’ve considered several options. For a while we tried to dampen the noise by insulating the room with sound proof fabric. It worked for maybe a month before my farts continued to seep through the floor boards once more. Now my parents are suggesting that I stop drinking so much beer when I’m out and stick to wine instead. Are they trying to turn me into a big girl here or something? I’m a man and I need my beer. End of story.
It’s true though that I probably drink too fast. I’ll be at the bar, trying to make a move on a skanky hoe and I’ll get very nervous making me drink even faster. We’ll then hit the dancefloor and the farts will start to come out whilst we’ve hopping about there and she’ll immediately leave. At this point I’ll usually become seriously depressed and continue to quarf pints at double the previous rate. Suddenly I don’t really care who hears my farts and add in about 50 packets of Bacon Fries into the occasion. Things are about to turn nasty.
After the night’s finished I’ll then go to a Chinese restaurant and buy the spicest meal they have. By that point I’ll be close to collapsing and won’t remember much from this period. I’ll then wake up with my parents with their arms wrapped around each other, staring at me in horror as if to suggest that my ass is possessed by Satan. It’s the same goddamn routine every Sunday morning. I feel like they are intruding on my privacy. They try to excuse themselves by saying that they’re concerned that the smell in my room is affecting the ammonia levels in the fish tank downstairs. Sure enough, 25 of the little shits have died in the last 3 months, but I don’t really think it’s down to me!
Treat this as a cautionary tale about the possible impact that beer farts can have upon your family life. Farts aren’t just all fun and games y’know!
Mr Methane And The Talc Fart
I swear to God I’ll never get tired of Mr Methane. Is it just me though is there something wrong with intentionally covering your ass with talc on national TV just to blow it away with your farts? I felt a little bit uneasy whilst watching the start of it, it seemed like it was about to turn into a horrid blue movie. It didn’t help that his suit was pressed so tight against his butt. It’s enough to send shivers down your spine.
What a great fart though! It’s a pity someone didn’t try to light that one on fire, the studio would have burst into flames and then a mushroom cloud would have then slowly crept out of his ass!
Fart Spray - It’ll Bring A Tear To Your Eye
Is there a better way to disperse a crowd than with a can of Fart Spray? I remember as a kid buying this stuff by the bucketload and attacking girls with it. In hindsight it was probably cutting holes through their lungs but that’s all in the past now!
Fart Spray has many possible uses and here are just a few!
- Like Pepper Spray, it can be used to ward off sexual predators.
- You can use it as a signal for skanky hoes that you are now in mating season. This is an incredibly risky endeavour and leaves you susceptible to face farts from middle aged women.
- It’s great for diluting doggy farts! However you’ve got to be careful with what type of doggy farts you mix it with, the combo of real and fake farts could create an evil mutant fart that would leave you unconscious.
- Use it to ruin your friends blind date by spraying it over his jacket before he leaves.
- It also makes a great insect killer, although nothing beats farting on and killing a wasp naturally!
- Why hire a fog machine for your disco when you can spray out a few cans of this stuff into the room?
- Have you murdered someone recently? Looking to conceal that awful smell in the cellar? Then spray the room down twice daily with a can!
- Do you know someone who’s seriously sensitive to the effects of farts? Well then tip them over the edge by using fart spray just before they enter the room!
- Out on a date tonight with a girl you hate? Then don’t brush your teeth for a month and freshen your mouth down with some fart spray!
- Applying fart spray to one’s groin before intercourse is one way to conceal the horrors of farts during sex!
Why Ugly Kids Fart More - Possible Reasons?
Ugly kids have it pretty tough, not only are they unlikely to get laid in the first 50 years of their life but they also have to put up with bullying and rejection by their peers. For many the only way of expressing their woes is through their ass trumpet. Here are a few possible reasons on why ugly kids fart more than their prettier counterparts.
- Ugly Kids fart as a way of showcasing their self loathing and feelings of alienation towards their peers. What better way is there to say “I hate all of you” than through your ass?
- Ugly Kids who fart also likely to be rejected by nerds, adding further to their feelings of isolation. Sooner or later he/she will lose their mind, taking random crap and farts in their enemies lockers.
- Unattractive children may have worse diets than their richer peers, leading to all sorts of horrible farts. Improve your diet and improve you social life goddamnit! Unless of course you love farting at people you hate, then you can proceed to make you diet even worse.
I think it’s true that ugly kids tend to fart regularly, especially if their “friends” tease them about their appearance consistently. Ugly Kids shouldn’t be ashamed of their wind capabilities and should spend some time on honing their ass-trumpeting. They should show their detractors what they are made of. They might even want to start fights with their bullys landing a poisonous, knock-out blow of a fart on top of their head just to show them exactly who’s boss!
I’ll always remember the ugly kids who’d sit at the back of the class and fart on purpose just to disrrupt the lesson. Well they weren’t all ugly, but most of them were. Some would consider them true heroes but I personally think they were stinking bastards. They were the bullies for gods sake anyway.
Blind Date Farting - How To Impress A Girl?
Farting on a Blind Date can be a great way to tell if you and the girl are truly compatible. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
- Don’t bring up the topic of Farting until you’ve let one rip. Let your wind speak for itself and be careful to monitor how she behaves after it. Take into consideration that your fart may have left her in shock and that she won’t regain her sanity for a good few hours.
- If you fart and the girl responds angrily before letting off an even louder parp of her own, run away quickly. Your relationship won’t work as it’ll be fraught with jealousy and competitiveness.
- If you’re meeting a girl off the net, make sure that you’ve read any of her social networking profiles. This is a good way of knowing how she’ll respond to the spot before you actually let one rip!
- If she bursts into tears after your fart, assume that she has a fart phobia and run to the hills. You might want to give her $10 for the taxi home though. You can’t just leave her standing there really. Your best making sure the cab driver isn’t a fan of the farts either otherwise it’ll be double trouble for her.
- Never ever fart deliberately over dinner, especially if you’re both eating egg. Eggs remind most people of farts and all of this can easily kill an appetite within seconds!
- If you need to fart during dinner and you sense it’s going to be a beast, excuse yourself and dive underneath the table and letting it off without any restraint. This in itself is quite dangerous as she might think you are trying to have a look up her skirt.
- Always bring along a can of pepper spray to a blind date. You never know how she’ll react. If she’s anything like the girls around here she’ll try to claw your eyes out before repeatedly smashing your head off a brick wall.
- If you’re that worried about blind date farts you might want to bring along a friend to test the water. Make sure that he/she farts continually all night and take your cue from there. If she’s impressed with his farts, tell him to go home and begin farting as regularly as possible.
- Remember there is no need to try to boost your farting performance on the night with a special diet, as your bowels will already be doing summersaults with nerves. Try to relax and let the wind find you!
- If you do crap yourself, go home. You don’t want to risk going to bed with her and having to explain why your knickers are clarried with crap!
Run By Farting - How To Pull It Off Farts On The Run Properly
- Perhaps the best piece of advice I can give you is to carefully select your victim. You want a challenge but you don’t wanna overly exert yourself which excludes both the elderly and olympic sprinters. I’ve found that you get the best chases from angry middle aged men with limps. There’s always the danger that there rage will power them so much that they’ll catch you with ease.
- Try to decide on what angle you’ll fart on the person before you make the approach. Don’t change your mind midway through otherwise things might get a little messy.
- If you must fart on the elderly be prepared to be charged with murder if they keel over with a heart attack. There have over 150 cases in New Jersey alone so far this year.
- You might want to wear a diaper especially for the stunt so that you can give 110% to the fart.
- Remember the police can’t properly charge you of a run by farting unless you kill the person or leave crap at the scene. Either way, do not speak to the police until you have an attorney! Be aware that the police have started to crack down extensively on run-by-farters so you mustn’t give the game away.
- No matter how tempted you are, do not get your friends to film the fact. Posting the videoon Youtube is just asking for trouble.
- If you’re Catholic and you’ve recently committed a fatal run by farting, do not mention it in confession as a recent law has been passed in the Vatican which forces priests to report these crimes to the Police.
- You should try to build up your fitness levels before attempting a run by fart. You might think you can outrun an old lady but you won’t know for definite until she’s hot on your trail! So get on that treadmill and burn some calories!
- Try to limit RBF’s to a maximum of 5 a month otherwise your bowels might just eat themselves out of sheer excitement.
- Remember the aim of the RBf is not to terrorise but to enlighten the unsuspecting public about the beauty of farts!