Beer Farts - Overindulging on Lager Can Cause Serious Anal Gales
I’m tired of waking up after a night on the beer, blasting my ass off like there is no tomorrow. It can be a serious problem! There have been times where I’ve been in bed trying to sleep off a hangover and my parents have been downstairs in the kitchen and the farts start to get to them. They’ll be sitting there trying to enjoy a cup of tea on a sunny Sunday morning and my farts won’t stop echoing through the floorboards.
We’ve considered several options. For a while we tried to dampen the noise by insulating the room with sound proof fabric. It worked for maybe a month before my farts continued to seep through the floor boards once more. Now my parents are suggesting that I stop drinking so much beer when I’m out and stick to wine instead. Are they trying to turn me into a big girl here or something? I’m a man and I need my beer. End of story.
It’s true though that I probably drink too fast. I’ll be at the bar, trying to make a move on a skanky hoe and I’ll get very nervous making me drink even faster. We’ll then hit the dancefloor and the farts will start to come out whilst we’ve hopping about there and she’ll immediately leave. At this point I’ll usually become seriously depressed and continue to quarf pints at double the previous rate. Suddenly I don’t really care who hears my farts and add in about 50 packets of Bacon Fries into the occasion. Things are about to turn nasty.
After the night’s finished I’ll then go to a Chinese restaurant and buy the spicest meal they have. By that point I’ll be close to collapsing and won’t remember much from this period. I’ll then wake up with my parents with their arms wrapped around each other, staring at me in horror as if to suggest that my ass is possessed by Satan. It’s the same goddamn routine every Sunday morning. I feel like they are intruding on my privacy. They try to excuse themselves by saying that they’re concerned that the smell in my room is affecting the ammonia levels in the fish tank downstairs. Sure enough, 25 of the little shits have died in the last 3 months, but I don’t really think it’s down to me!
Treat this as a cautionary tale about the possible impact that beer farts can have upon your family life. Farts aren’t just all fun and games y’know!
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