Boris Yeltsin - Mourning the Death of a Fart Hero.
I have it on good authority that Boris Yeltsin was a fan of the farts. Apparently when he was the Soviet leader he could outfart anyone in the Kremlin. He’d spend most of his days feasting on bratwurst and cheese just to keep his guts churning over. If he went a day without farting at least one hundred times he’d order his army to destroy a small village.
Yeltsin’s anal emissions were largely responsible for creating a massive hole in the O-Zone layer over Moscow. Local environmentalists were delighted when he lost the presidency. However their joy was shortlived when it became apparent that Yeltsin’s farting escalated immensely after he retired. He’d spend all day lounging around in his underwear, downing quarts of vodka whilst nibbling away at his cheeseboard. He couldn’t keep a pet for more than a week before it either died or ran away. Lighting a cigarette in his prescence was suicide. Such an act was liable to trigger a 100ft fireball along with a mushroom cloud at the end.
We need Boris more than ever today in this politically unstable climate. Instead of launching a nuke, Russia could have solved diplomatic problems by sending over Boris to fart in their enemies face. If they’d employed these tactics in the late 20th Century the Cold War would never have happened. They could have cloned about 1,500 Boris’s, shipped them over to the White House launching a fart farting offensive against the Reagan administration. Diplomatic relations between America and the USSR would have improved. If you saw Yeltsin sitting and farting on Ronald Reagan’s head what else could you do but laugh?
Some people don’t seem to realise that farts transcend all political borders. A well timed fart is often the difference between world peace and world war. Boris knew the power of the fart. If our leaders posessed any insight at all they would have rewarded the man the Nobel Peace Prize for his farting. Mr Methane must take up his role as Farting Ambassador to ensure that the next World War is fought with ass gas alone.
The world is a much more dangerous place without Boris here. I’ve heard news that the vodka industry is about to collapse in Russia and that German bratwurst exports are down over 150%. The O-Zone hole over Russia is beginning to fix itself now too and there hasn’t been a mushroom cloud over the country in days. God knows how much the man was worth to the natural gas industry over there too!
Tonight whilst on the toilet I said a prayer to God thanking Him for Boris. I suggest you do the same too. You should also dedicate your next spicy fart to Boris. He will surely bestow you with the gift of more wind.
1 Comment(s)
Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI
Leave a comment
Err… Boris Yeltsin was never Soviet leader. He was Russian leader and CIS leader (Commonwealth of Independent States).