Are you worried that there may be something wrong with your bowels? Have more than 10 people died in the last 24 hours due to your anal leakages? If any of the below apply to you, consult medical help immediately.

• Has one of your own farts ever been so horrific that you’ve burst into tears because of it, in public?
• Have you been thrown off public transport in the last week for your rectal emissions?
• Do you consider your asshole a Weapon of Mass Destruction? Has the US ever threatened to place sanctions against you?
• Has the government ever offered you money to bottle one of your farts so that they can use it as a lethal chemical weapon?
• Have you ever burnt holes into your bed clothes through anal wind?
• Do your farts smell of the dead?
• Do you use your farts like butch women use pepper spray (i.e. to warn off predators?)
• Have you had to give up smoking recently due to the amount of explosions occuring in and around your home?
• Have more than 10 of your pets ran away or died within the last 24 hours?
• Have the police came knocking at your door late at night asking where you’ve stashed all of the dead bodies?
• When you fart, does black ash line the curtains? Can any smoke be seen escaping from your rectum at the moment of transmission?
• Have you managed to turn a Spanish beach into a Chernobylesque Ghost town in the space of 5 minutes?
• Has your the value of your home dramatically decreased since you moved in?
• Do you deny that you have a farting problem?
• Has your toxic gas burnt a third nostril in your nose?