It might be necessary on occasion to distance yourself from one of your own children. It happens in real life too when your son or daughter kicks up such a stink that you must refuse to acknowledge they exist or face the consequences.

In the past I have let off wind, so foul that it has attracted to the attention of the army who wanted to hose down my ass with a large water cannon. Oh the strings I had to pull to stop myself from going to prison.

In the following section I’ve listed some techniques you might want to use if you wish to distance yourself from any of your anal leakages.

• Never ever admit it was your doing, no-one can prove it! At the moment there are no fart detectors on the market. They have nothing to connect you to the crime. Everything else is just speculation.
• If you are sitting beside a colleague look across at them with an accusing eye. Make it clear that you are disgusted with their behavior. If they are insecure enough they will eventually cave in and admit it “might” have been them.
• Don’t start waving your arms about in an attempt to fan the smell away. This is like signing a confession admitting that you were the culprit. Try to sit still and if necessary whip out a gasmask.
• Try to relax your buttock muscles. Your accusers will be looking to see if they are clenched or not. Even if they see that they are clenched, the balls in your court. They should not be looking at your butt in the first place. Threaten to sue them for harassment.
• No matter how bad the fart is - never ever burst into tears. It will pass eventually. It might take a fortnight for the gas to fully clear from the room but it will go.
• Try to vary your diet so that your farts do not always smell the same. That way no-one will be able to accuse you by comparing it to a previous sample.
• If you are out driving and the police pull you over for causing pollution the environment, do not grant them permission to search your vehicle. Particularly if you have a stash of fart grub in the boot. Then they’ll have you exactly where they want you.
• You could always just use the classic - blame it on the dog! If the dog isn’t about, tell them that he was just here a minute ago. This might not cut it if you are in work though.
• If you fart in the office don’t start turning all of the fans on. It will broadcast your fart to the office. You want to keep it as discreet as possible.
• Try not to open your legs, particularly if its one of those farts which lives in your pants. You don’t want it to seap out. Try to keep it contained like the wild animal it is. If anyone asks why you are sitting there like you’ve shat yourself, tell them that you have the piles. Start describing your affliction in graphic detail. Within seconds they’ll have left.