You should never fart in work. It’s too damn risky. Sometimes its unavoidable. Sometimes you’d rather hold a shat in than take a dump in one of the messy toilet cubicles. Here are a few tips on how to get away with murder in your workplace.

If you are caught farting, never feel ashamed! Admit it was yours and tell your boss you’ll let off another few. Employers want their workers to use their own initative after all.

If you want to fart in the workplace on a regular basis we recommend that you demonstrate your gas in the interview. Make sure you pick the best moment possible. Timing it essential. I recommend letting one go when the interviewer asks “Tell me a little about yourself!”. Make sure it is a little. Not a lingering evil cloud. Sometimes it is best to just let your ass do the talking for you.

Do not fart in an office with no windows. The room will positvely reek for months. If there’s only a few of you in there then it can be hard to keep a straight face.

Give your fellow employees sufficient notice to evaculate the area before letting off. Tell them “In 5 minutes I’m going to let off a fart so far that no-one will be able to use this side of the office without choking to death on my ass fumes for the next 100 years. Thank you for your time”. Your colleagues will definitely appreciate the warning.

Do not fart in the direction of your boss. This will most likely lead to a P45. Never ever confess to it. The worst possible thing you could say is “Oi Bossy! I just farted in your general direction, deal with it me mucker!”

If someone walks into your room and notices the smell, jump up and accuse them of the crime. This works particularly well with head of departments and political leaders. If the person in question denies it, call them a filthy liar, slap them on the cheek and then confess that you’re only messing around.

Never ever fart whilst someones having lunch in the office. They’ll never forgive you for it.

Farting on someone’s plant may seem like a good means of revenge at the time but there is simply too much risk of cross-contamination with surrounding vegetation for it to be worthwhile. You don’t want to scar the earth for good do you now?