Farting Techniques - What I’ve Found to Be Effective For Farts In The Past.
As a farter who can’t stand the sight of beans, it’s important to have other techniques up your sleeve that you can use to produce large volumes of gas. Here are a few that I’ve found to be pretty effective over the years.
Chewing Gum
Chewing Gum is brilliant for causing excess gas, especially if you eat whole packets of it at a time. It seems as though all of the excess air that you ingest along with the chemicals play havoc with your stomach. Be careful though as eating too much gum will make you liable to downing the brown.
Cheese, cheese and more cheese
I can’t get enough Cheese. Edam, cheddar, gouda, you name it, I eat it on a regular basis. I don’t eat it to fart, I eat it because I love it! It really does give a creamy edge to your farts. The only negative aspect to creamy farts is that other professional farters will be able to detect the exact type of cheese you ate to produce that fart and they might steal your recipe to improve their own farts. It’s a risk worth taking though.
Drink Diet Sodas Fast
Try drinking 10 cans of Diet Coke directly after you’ve finished chewing gum. If your stomach wasn’t already in tatters after all of the gum it will be now. By the way you shouldn’t try this at home, or anywhere for that matter!
Caffeine Tablets
I used to be a pep pill junkie and I still am to some extent. One day I went against doctors orders and downed 24 of them at once. Boy, did I regret it! I was coming home on the train after I’d taken them and I could feel my bowels churner. I had to focus all of my energy on preventing my bowels from exploding. The lady sitting opposite recognised something was wrong. I must have looked like Elvis straining to take his final crap on the toilet. It wasn’t pleasant at all. Thankfully, my colon didn’t erupt and I made it to the toilet on time.
If you take Caffeine Tablets then follow the advice that’s written on the package.
Eat Nothing For Ages
When I skip a few meals my stomach begins to growl and pockets of air form. If you leave it long enough huge quantities of rectal gas will be at your disposal. As you’ve probably guessed this isn’t healthy or recommended.
Anxiety
Whenever I’m anxious, I fart. It’s weird. It always happens before job interviews. My bowels start to clench and I just wanna fart until all of the tension’s gone. It’s hard to replicate this feeling in a normal setting. Sometimes I try to envisage what Hell would be like and that can seriously get the wind brewing.
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