1) Shea Stadium. Yup, the home of the New York Mets. Get there early so you can take in some batting practice and load up on some beers, hot dogs, nachos…..whatever. By the third inning you will have the people sitting around you begging for mercy. (more…)

Jack Kevorkian was relased from prison today after serving 8 years of his original sentence of 10 to 25 years. Kevorkian is most widely known for his willingness to assist the terminally ill to commit suicide.

The press release says Kevorkian was released early as a reward for his good behavior in prison. However, I didn’t buy that story so I called Mike Hunt, the warden at the Lakeland Correctional Facility to get the real scoop. Here is the unedited transcript of the phone call:

Secretary: Hello, Mr. Hunt’s office….may I help you?

Master Blaster: Yes, ma’am…good morning….my I speak to Mr. Hunt please regarding Jack Kevorkian’s early release from prison?

Secretary: Sir, he is not is not in his office, but I did see him pass by here a moment ago, if you will let me put the phone down I will find him for you…. [sound of phone hitting desk]

Master Blaster: Thank you, I will wait

Secretary: [muffled] Mike Hunt? Where is Mike Hunt? [louder] Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?

Mike Hunt: Mike Hunt speaking………

Master Blaster: Mr. Hunt, thanks for taking my call

Mike Hunt: What can I do for you today?

Master Blaster: I see that Jack Kevorkian is to be released from your prison early. The reason cited is “good behavior”. Given Dr. Kevorkian’s ornery and contrary nature, isn’t this a bit surprising?

Mike Hunt: Sure it is. That is just public relations nonsense. I pulled some strings to get this guy out of here early because we couldn’t stand having him around anymore. Not many people know this, but Kevorkian is the worst farter I have ever seen. He passes gas 50 to 60 times a day and each and every one stinks to high heaven. I got tired of hearing all the whining from his cellmates, the guards, and the German shepards we got patrolling the fence. I got tired of it too. Even though my office is a good 500 yards from his cell block, when the wind blew in from the north it would stink up my place too. I lost my last two secretaries over it.

Master Blaster: Thank you, Mr. Hunt. You were very helpful.

This got me to thinking about how to compute the probability of being exposed to a methane cloud. The results are quite disturbing…..

Assume that the average person passes gas 40 times in a 24 hour period and that these eruptions are evenly distributed.

Now, let’s assume that you are a cubical rat working for some big company. You are summoned to a typical waste of time meeting in a conference room. There are 9 other people in attendance (the jerk who called the meeting, his right hand man, his secretary, and six cube dwellers including yourself). The meeting drags on for what seems like forever but is really 30 minutes of wasted time. So, what are the chances that NOBODY will fart during this meeting?

Hmmmm…. if all high school math problems were this interesting then the USA would not be scoring behind Latvia in standardized test scores.

If the average person farts 40 times per day, then there is a 2.7% chance of an eruption per minute. Said another way, there is a 97.3% chance that a single person will NOT fart in a minute. However, let 30 minutes go by and the chance drops to slightly less than an even money proposition (.973 multiplied by itself 30 times is about equal to 43%.) This means if you attend 100 such meetings that you should expect to fart at least once in 43 of them.

Now, using the same logic…. if there are 10 people in attendace then the chances of no farts being cut by anyone are miniscule ( about one in 5,000 ). Said another way, you have a better shot of getting a hummer from your wife.

Other observers questioned the former Vice President’s motives. Reached at a oxycontin dry out tank, radio blowhard Rush Limbaugh had this to say,”My friends….as I have been telling you all along, Al Gore is picking on Rosie O’Donnell in the hopes of claiming “carbon credit offsets” for himself, so he can go on consuming lots of power to cool his Tennessee mansion all the while asking you to sweat in the dark.”

Yet another point of view was offered by Dr. Isadore P. Daily, who occupies the Ted Kennedy chair for Ethics in Government at Harvard University. He said, “With all due respect to the former Vice President and Mr. Limbaugh, both are missing the point. If we hooked up Rosie’s terd cutter to a wind turbine that then funneled the gases downwind as fuel for an electric plant, she alone could generate enough power to provide for all of the electrical needs of a town about the size of Peoria, IL. With have the technology, the question is simply one of political will”.

To the trained ear each fart is unique…..a thing of beauty unto itself….much like examining snowflakes. Sure, anal utterances can be broken down into such categories as “sonic boom”, “rolling thunder”, “rusty gate hinge” and so forth but don’t be too quick to do this…lest you dull your analytical skills.

Rather, I suggest the next time you hear a sphincter symphony take a few minutes to try to figure out what caused the unique sound you just heard. You may even want to keep a journal, sort of like the wine snobs do. One of those little “Jimmy Olsen” spiral bound notebooks hardly takes up any room and you should get in the habit of carrying one around.

Here are just a few of the things I have noticed:

Clothing acts as a muffler. The type of fabric, weight of the clothing, how loose or tight the pants are, the presence and type of underwear, etc. are all contributing factors. Be especially careful when analyzing female emissions. Thong style underwear can act much like a reed in a clarinet. If you are really lucky you will catch an example of a single fart with a wider octave range than Maria Carey. Remember that notebook I told you to carry….it is for “Hallmark moments” such as this.

A fart in a New York City subway station will echo all over the place and could easily be mistaken for a much longer fart (or a Mafia hit). The same fart in a wheat field in Kansas would be unremarkable.

A frat boy is likely to let loose with the intentions of vibrating the fillings in your teeth. A prim and proper spinster librarian wants to keep hers as hidden as the Coke formula. Muscle tension, state of physical conditioning and other factors come into play here.

We will revisit this important topic from time to time. Waaaaay to much to cover in one post.

Yeltsin’s anal emissions were largely responsible for creating a massive hole in the O-Zone layer over Moscow. Local environmentalists were delighted when he lost the presidency. However their joy was shortlived when it became apparent that Yeltsin’s farting escalated immensely after he retired. He’d spend all day lounging around in his underwear, downing quarts of vodka whilst nibbling away at his cheeseboard. He couldn’t keep a pet for more than a week before it either died or ran away. Lighting a cigarette in his prescence was suicide. Such an act was liable to trigger a 100ft fireball along with a mushroom cloud at the end.

We need Boris more than ever today in this politically unstable climate. Instead of launching a nuke, Russia could have solved diplomatic problems by sending over Boris to fart in their enemies face. If they’d employed these tactics in the late 20th Century the Cold War would never have happened. They could have cloned about 1,500 Boris’s, shipped them over to the White House launching a fart farting offensive against the Reagan administration. Diplomatic relations between America and the USSR would have improved. If you saw Yeltsin sitting and farting on Ronald Reagan’s head what else could you do but laugh?

Some people don’t seem to realise that farts transcend all political borders. A well timed fart is often the difference between world peace and world war. Boris knew the power of the fart. If our leaders posessed any insight at all they would have rewarded the man the Nobel Peace Prize for his farting. Mr Methane must take up his role as Farting Ambassador to ensure that the next World War is fought with ass gas alone.

The world is a much more dangerous place without Boris here. I’ve heard news that the vodka industry is about to collapse in Russia and that German bratwurst exports are down over 150%. The O-Zone hole over Russia is beginning to fix itself now too and there hasn’t been a mushroom cloud over the country in days. God knows how much the man was worth to the natural gas industry over there too!

Tonight whilst on the toilet I said a prayer to God thanking Him for Boris. I suggest you do the same too. You should also dedicate your next spicy fart to Boris. He will surely bestow you with the gift of more wind.

Instead of listing the most popular phrases, I’ll concentrate on some of the most weird search terms. Be warned some of these are extremely baffling!

good fart in tight jeans

Hmm it seems someone has a weird Levi’s fetish.

fart noises but make sure it is funny

Ok Adolf, I’ll try my best! Sheesh!

flatulence in the bible

Hmmm the 11th Commandment “Thou shalt not pass gas!”

girl loses bet and has to sniff other girls farts

Dear God, the things people will do for a bet!

grandma farts in a bag

If your Grandma farts in a bag I’d seriously suggest that you lock the old girl up!

term for getting turned on by the sound and smell of farts

Ermmmm……weirdo?

where to get help for farting problems

Well done! Admitting that you have a problem is the first step towards getting help! Try attending a local Farters Anonymous meeting, their number will be in the White Pages somewhere.

girl farts that are long and loud on you tube

Feck, could you please be more specific?!?

what to do when you poop your pants

The last thing I’d recommend is for you to sit there and type that phrase into Google. Get into the bathroom and wash your ass for goodness sake.

how to eliminate growling stomach sounds?

Hmmm, stop drinking so much antifreeze!

make your friend pull his underpants down

You can’t really make anyone pull their underpants down against their will, that constitutes sexual harassment methinks.

“Get on the end of this!” quips Mr Methane before letting off a serious rattler. I’ve never heard the like of this before. I thought it was staged to begin with. He must have been boiling up that bad boy for weeks! My only complaint is about how close his ass is to the camera. I really don’t want to see his butt shake like that, it conjures up extremely vile thoughts.

Larry King Farts Live On Air

Ok, the farts not the greatest, but the timing is immense! It’s amazing how King keeps a straight face during the broadcast. I would have had to stop, put my leg up on the desk following it up with a real badboy.

Damien Farts and Downs the Brown

You’ve got to commend this guy’s bravery. He puts 115% into every one of his farts which even results in him downing the brown at the end. It’s sad to see him waddle off at the end knowing full well that he will have to undertake a serious cleanup operation afterwards. Overall the brown-downing was a small sacrifice for some seriously noteworthy farts.

Farting on Someone’s Head Whilst Sleeping

This one certainly isn’t for the squeamish. Here a guy whips out his bare ass, positions it directly above his sleeping friends head and goes for the clampdown before releasing a mighty fart. The victim is lucky to escape with his lungs intact. Similarly the farter is fortunate that he didn’t committ the act in Scanadanavia where the penalty for aggressive face farting involves being thrown into a fjord ball naked.

Another violent face-fart

Unfortunately this one isn’t anywhere near as good as the one directly above it. The farter should have been much more ambitious, aiming to wake up the sleeper without the aid of a slap from the other guy. The “What the fuck was that?” from the victim was quite hilarious though, even though the fart was decidely mediocre.

A crispy live Fart

By the sounds of this fart, the woman hadn’t farted in 30 years. She looks like the sort who’d be the first to call a farter “immature” for instigating anal voicings. I don’t think she’ll be turning so fast in the future! She seems to be so embarassed. In situations like this you have to relish the wind and claim it as your own. Otherwise you’ll look like quite the fool.

Leslie Nielsen on British TV

There aren’t many men who are more fond of farting than Leslie Nielsen. You can tell he’s planned this one for ages. It’s great how the show’s presenters are more embarassed of the fart than him. It’s definitely the mark of a seasoned pro.

I totally just farted

Ok this video is pretty damn annoying. I mean talk about stating the obvious! It was an impressive fart but she completely ruined it with her “I totally just farted” routine. It’s like Michael Moore coming out and saying “Yes for the last 12 years I’ve ate nothing but Big Macs and Chilli Dogs.” It doesn’t need to be mentioned, sheesh.

This whiff is for you

This girl demonstrates a great way to end a relationship prematurely. I personally think she could have held in the fart in her hands that little bit longer before slamming it into his face. The only problem is she might have broke his nose or something.

Mr Methane and Promp.no (again!)

And it’s another mega-fart from Methane! Well what can I say? It’s marvellous! It pretty much sums up George W Bush’s tenure as president in that it just keeps going down and down.

Chewing Gum

Chewing Gum is brilliant for causing excess gas, especially if you eat whole packets of it at a time. It seems as though all of the excess air that you ingest along with the chemicals play havoc with your stomach. Be careful though as eating too much gum will make you liable to downing the brown.

Cheese, cheese and more cheese

I can’t get enough Cheese. Edam, cheddar, gouda, you name it, I eat it on a regular basis. I don’t eat it to fart, I eat it because I love it! It really does give a creamy edge to your farts. The only negative aspect to creamy farts is that other professional farters will be able to detect the exact type of cheese you ate to produce that fart and they might steal your recipe to improve their own farts. It’s a risk worth taking though.

Drink Diet Sodas Fast

Try drinking 10 cans of Diet Coke directly after you’ve finished chewing gum. If your stomach wasn’t already in tatters after all of the gum it will be now. By the way you shouldn’t try this at home, or anywhere for that matter!

Caffeine Tablets

I used to be a pep pill junkie and I still am to some extent. One day I went against doctors orders and downed 24 of them at once. Boy, did I regret it! I was coming home on the train after I’d taken them and I could feel my bowels churner. I had to focus all of my energy on preventing my bowels from exploding. The lady sitting opposite recognised something was wrong. I must have looked like Elvis straining to take his final crap on the toilet. It wasn’t pleasant at all. Thankfully, my colon didn’t erupt and I made it to the toilet on time.

If you take Caffeine Tablets then follow the advice that’s written on the package.

Eat Nothing For Ages

When I skip a few meals my stomach begins to growl and pockets of air form. If you leave it long enough huge quantities of rectal gas will be at your disposal. As you’ve probably guessed this isn’t healthy or recommended.

Anxiety

Whenever I’m anxious, I fart. It’s weird. It always happens before job interviews. My bowels start to clench and I just wanna fart until all of the tension’s gone. It’s hard to replicate this feeling in a normal setting. Sometimes I try to envisage what Hell would be like and that can seriously get the wind brewing.

It’s a toughie. Here are a few things to take into consideration when you encounter a “friendly fart”.

• Whatever you do don’t ask someone if they’ve farted unless you’re sure there’s been a rumble, they might just have bad B.O.
• A powerful way of letting someone know that they’ve broken wind is to run away as far as possible, encouraging as many people in the surrounding area to do the same. If the farter is confused, point to their ass and scream “Sniff it!”.
• If you’re both on a sofa when the other person rumbles, inform them that you felt the vibration and that you’re gonna sit it out in the garage for the next couple of hours until the smell disappears.
• No matter how bad the fart smell at first, do not ring the emergency services unless someone lapses into a coma.
• If you’re tired of your friend farting constantly in public you could always try to shame them publically. First, ensure you’re within a crowd of strangers and then shout and point at the culprit “She won’t stop farting! Every night, it’s just fart, fart, fart! She never does anything new. She revolts me! Someone please take her away”. If you’re fortunate enough the bailiffs will arrive on scene and escort your friend off to jail.
• If the fart is especially bad but you can’t be assed trying to escape it, pretend to faint and when the paramedics arrive on scene tell them that “Her ass caused it all! It’s as if she farts chloroform!”.
• Court summons are an effective albeit expensive way to let someone know that their farts aren’t within the realms of decency.
• If you are a pervert you might want to tap the person on the ass. This never really works well as most people will think you are coming onto them and you’re liable to be either beaten to a pulp or to have a sexual harassment lawsuit on your hands.
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