Is Farting Destroying Your Family? Excessive Flatuence Can Kill A Relationship at Easter.
So it’s Easter again and it should be a time when we all get together as families and enjoy good food in good company. Well that’s the theory anyway. I’ve been eating so much over the past few days and I feel as if my bowels are about to erupt. It’s weird. I haven’t farted properly in a few days. I know something bad will happen at dinner later on. This has got to be the calm before the storm. I can just tell that Grandma will walk in and I’ll let off a massive one and she’ll end up swallowing her dentures and we’ll have to rush her off to hospital.
As I’m typing this I’m eating more chocolate! For some reason I have ten Easter Eggs this year. I don’t really like chocolate that much to be honest but if it’s there I’ll eat it eventually. I’m trying to get all of my farts out now but nothing’s moving in my colon. It seems to be all clogged up or something. I feel like shoving a toilet bowel plunger up my cass just to ease the congestion. If I could even take a crap it’d help things. I spent about an hour on the toilet last night trying to squeeze one and after 40 minutes a small brown marble rolled out of my behind. I was expecting to crap a huge bag of lobsters for goodness sake.
I know the Grandma thing will happen though, or at least something similar. I’m never prepared for it! Grandma will storm in with a full beard and my bowels will suddenly loosen and a freefall of dung will exit out of my rectum along with a torrent of gas. Horrified by the eruption, Grandma will either collapse or swallow her teeth or maybe even both. You’d think I’d learn my lesson wouldn’t you? Last year I tried drinking a bottle of laxatives a few hours before she arrived. I thought they’d work immediately but it took them as least 3 hours to kick in and by that time she’d arrived. The amount of farts I produced on that day was shocking. I mean the average human is meant to fart 14 times a day. I think I let out 14 farts in 10 seconds. Not just any farts but seriously pained, diseased outbursts. I guess they almost sounded tortured.
God, I’m thinking of running away just to avoid all of this. Maybe I could just eat my dinner in the yard. My parents would think that I was being tremendously rude but it’s a small sacrifice to keep Grandma alive. I don’t know how many more of my caustic farts she can take before her heart gives up on her. I’m surprised the old girl has actually lasted this long. I just hope this isn’t the year that I kill her.
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