It will happen at some stage in every farters life. You will over exert yourself and you will hear a fizzing kerplunk and you’ll know what’s happened. Actually you’ll probably smell what’s happened first. This can be very embarassing if you are with a group of people. Your best option in this situation is to admit what’s happened before anyone else realises. You don’t want someone coming up to asking “Have you just shat yourself, Alf?”. Try to remain calm. Keep your head up. Do not try to breath it in! You must remain dignified!

If you’ve been lucky you’ll have a shat solid. You might want to try to locate the ball shaped bulged in your underparts, hold onto it ensuring it doesn’t fall out of the leg of you pants and stand up. It’s now time to give a speech to announce what’s happened. It’s the only way out. I recommend you start with something like

“Ladies and Gentleman! I have an announcement to make. Just a minute ago I tried to let out some gas and it all went a bit pearshaped. Literally. I’m afraid I have shat myself and I must depart to the restroom before the smell knocks you all out. I’ll probably be in there for at least half an hour trying to scrub my undies clean in the sink, so if anyone needs to go to the toilet I’d advise you to go now. Thank you for listening, you’ve been wonderful company!”

The worst is still ahead of you. You now actually have to go into the bathroom and survey the damage. You’ll never know what to expect. You’ll always fear the worse. Insane thoughts will be racing through your head. Will your stool be in the shape of Russia? What if it’s a dripper? Where the hell’s the toilet paper?

If your diet is as bad as mine it will always be worse than expected. There will be absolutely no chance of you removing all of the stains and returning to the party. You have two options. Sit on the toilet and cry for a bit or go out and make another annoucement to the group.

“I’m sorry to bother you again. The situation in my cacks is a little worse than expected. I tried washing them out in the sink with the toothbrush in there but the stains just wouldn’t come out. I even tried washing them in the toilet but none of the soil would budge. I’m dreadfully sorry for all of this but I’m going to have to leave. I do apoligise. I’m as upset as you are about all of this, but as they say, shit does happen. I bid you all good night.”