The Acoustics of Farting
Have you ever wondered what accounts for the wide variety of fart sounds? Well, I have (no big surprise there).
To the trained ear each fart is unique…..a thing of beauty unto itself….much like examining snowflakes. Sure, anal utterances can be broken down into such categories as “sonic boom”, “rolling thunder”, “rusty gate hinge” and so forth but don’t be too quick to do this…lest you dull your analytical skills.
Rather, I suggest the next time you hear a sphincter symphony take a few minutes to try to figure out what caused the unique sound you just heard. You may even want to keep a journal, sort of like the wine snobs do. One of those little “Jimmy Olsen” spiral bound notebooks hardly takes up any room and you should get in the habit of carrying one around.
Here are just a few of the things I have noticed:
Clothing acts as a muffler. The type of fabric, weight of the clothing, how loose or tight the pants are, the presence and type of underwear, etc. are all contributing factors. Be especially careful when analyzing female emissions. Thong style underwear can act much like a reed in a clarinet. If you are really lucky you will catch an example of a single fart with a wider octave range than Maria Carey. Remember that notebook I told you to carry….it is for “Hallmark moments” such as this.
A fart in a New York City subway station will echo all over the place and could easily be mistaken for a much longer fart (or a Mafia hit). The same fart in a wheat field in Kansas would be unremarkable.
A frat boy is likely to let loose with the intentions of vibrating the fillings in your teeth. A prim and proper spinster librarian wants to keep hers as hidden as the Coke formula. Muscle tension, state of physical conditioning and other factors come into play here.
We will revisit this important topic from time to time. Waaaaay to much to cover in one post.
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You’d better make this update, I’m looking forward to it Blaster!