There isn’t just one way to record your anal mutterings. The possibilities are practically limitless. The way in which you choose to record your farts should reflect who you are as a person. Here are some ways that you can explore your individuality through the recording of the wind

• The distance between the microphone and your ass is important. If you stand miles away from the microphone with your ass turned away, this speaks volumes about the person you really are. You are the no frills type. You are sitting there right now in your underwear with a beer on your knee. You are probably watching football and eating a cheeseburger. If you ever were to record a fart you’d do so using Windows Sound Recorder.
• Perhaps you are a drama queen like myself and want your fart to sound it’s best. This is why you’ll need to invest thousands of dollars on recording equipment to get the perfect tone. You won’t settle for just anything. You won’t use Windows Sound Recorder, you’ll use Cubase and you’ll turn the reverb up to 10.
• Are you the confident type? If you are you’ll be willing to record your fart no matter what’s going on in the background. World War 3 might just have started but this will not stop you from trying to irk one out into your mike. Then you’ll play it back to yourself - obsess over it for a while and play it to your family asking if they can make your wind it. When they say that all they can hear is people screaming in the background you’ll immediately lose your temper and go off and sulk in a corner somewhere.
• Or maybe you do want your fart to sound the best but with no cost to you. You will be looking to make the most of what you already have. You will have tried bringing your computer into the bathroom at one stage and sat with your ass cheeks to the bath, sampling the acoustics for all that they are worth.
• Or perhaps you are the perfectionist. You’ll sit for hours on end rerecording your own farts until you’ve got it perfectly. This will undoubtedly be a painstaking process which will take many hours of dedication and bratwurst. You will go to fart websites and listen to other peoples offerings just to laugh at their puny efforts. In the back of your mind you know that they’ll never have anything on you.