Now this is rude! The Face Straddle Fart should only ever be attempted on either consenting adults or people you really dislike. Before resorting to this you must realise that there are other ways to express yourself through breaking wind. Sitting on someones face isn’t the way to go about this folks. You may want to remember the following advice in case anyone tries to pull this one on you.

• There is no escape from the face straddle. Your only option is to wait it out really. Try to deaden your sense of smell. Imagine that you are in a concrete nuclear bunker during a nuclear war. The bombs like the fart can’t go on further. Unless you’re dealing with a real murderer.
• If someone tries to sit on your face on a regular basis, contact the authorities. I believe they have special units to deal with this sort of crap. You shouldn’t have to go through with it.
• It can be helpful to have piercings in your face that way if someone tries to sit on you, you’ll jag their ass badly which means they’ll get off you VERY QUICKLY.
• Remember farting directly on someones face can cause coma or death. Just because you are able to handle the toxicity of your own produce doesn’t mean everyone will be able to.
• If you’ve just been assaulted in the street and have been able to fend off the assailant we recommend that you employ the face straddle fart, particularly if you don’t have any CS gas with you. If you are anything like me your wind should render them unconscious for about a week. And when they eventually do wake up they’ll be reformed. Always remember - wind can change lives - for better and for worse
• The Face Straddle Fart should NOT be employed on anyone with respiratory difficulties. You’d just be asking for trouble. If they seriously want to go through them, ask them to consult a doctor. Imagine the fun they’ll have during the consultation! “Yes doctor. I want someone to fart on me for a laugh! No doc, I haven’t been taking my medicine.
• Always make sure the room is well ventilated during the FSF. You might just knock yourself out. If you do go through with this and fall unconscious you probably deserve it.