Farting in the toilet can be quite embarassing, particularly when you know an elderly relative is sitting next door. This is why I’m ultra cautious when I’m going for a number two. The last thing you want is one of those foghorn farts which reverberate and cause the neighbours to ring the cops.

Here’s a few tips on how to answer any ackward questions that may arise from someone that has been listening in on you farting on the toilet.

• Tell them that you weren’t actually going to the toilet, rather you brought your ghettoblaster in with you into the bathroom and were playing back recordings of some nuclear test blasts.
• If they ask if your bowels are alright, just tell them that it’s none of their damn business. You might want to make an example of them by dropping your pants and farting on the table beside them or something
• Remind them that it’s illegal to listen into one’s activities in the toilet without a licence in your state. Just hope to God that they don’t know the law.

It’s not all negative though, the toilet definitely provides an opportunity to add a little bit of spice to your rectal emissions. For one, you can really go for gold without fear of downing the brown. If I’m home alone I’ll normally put about 200% effort into my fart and the results will be quite magnificent. It will often sound like there is an orchestra playing up my ass. And a really demented one at that.